Animal Jokes

The lion tamer led his young apprentice into the cage. "The first thing to remember," said the older man, "is that if a lion jumps at you, throw something at it."

"And what do I do if there’s nothing to throw?"

The lion tamer said, "If a lion jumps at you __ there will be."

Animal Jokes

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

Animal Jokes

While drinking at the river, a young bear admires its reflection and growls, “I am the king of beasts!” Along comes a lion and roars, “What was that I just heard?” “Oh, dear,” says the bear, “you say strange things when you’ve had too much to drink.”

Animal Jokes

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

Animal Jokes

A mother mouse and her three children crept out of their hole into the kitchen and began feasting on some delicious bits of food. Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, Mother Mouse saw a cat slinking toward them. The cat was between the mice and their hole. The mother muse puffed up her lungs and went, “Woof! Woof!” The cat turned tail and ran. With that, the mother quickly led her children back to safety in their hole. When they were settle and breathing normally, Mother Mouse said to her children. “Now, what’s the lesson from that experience?” “We don’t know,” the baby mice squeaked. “It is this,” said Mother Mouse. “It’s always good to know a second language.”

Animal Jokes

A guy walking down a street one afternoon passes an old man sitting on the side of the road with a large sack.

The younger guy says to the old man, "Watcha got in the sack?"

The old man responds, "I got some monkeys in that there sack."

The younger man asks, "If I guess how many monkeys you got in the sack, can I keep one?"

The old man replies, "Son, if you guess how many monkeys I got in this sack, I'll give you both of 'em!"

Kids Jokes

A nursery school driver was delivering a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.

‘They use him to keep crowds back,’ said Tommy.

‘No,’ said Billy, ‘he’s just for good luck.’

Peter brought the argument to a close. ‘They use the dogs, he said firmly, to find the fire hydrants….'

Animal Jokes

A man owned a very intelligent dog so, after a long period of time, taught him how to play poker. The dog did very well and won a lot of pots until the owner had to pull him out of the games. “He realized that whenever the dog held a really good hand he wagged his tail.”

7 ways to annoy a flight attendant...

1- Bring your pet on the plane and then act like an animal.

2- Shove your bag into the first bin you see and then walk to your seat in the back of the plane.

3- Think that because you’re on a plane you’re of duty as a parent.

4- Drag on an oversize bag that's too heavy to lift by your self.

5- Gripe that you haven't been seated in the roomy exit row seat.

6- Act like you don't know the meaning of the words "under the seat in front of you".

7- Whine about the high cost of flying...