Miscellaneous Joke

The young son of a family of three balloons was sufficiently small for him to sleep with his parents in their bed. The time came when he became too big to fit in the bed and his father told him to sleep in another bedroom. During the night the son was afraid and went back to his parents but could not fit. He undid the knot in his father balloon to make him smaller and thus create some space and then re-knotted it. This did not work and he did the same to the mother balloon, still no joy, so he did the same to himself and eventually managed to snuggle in. The next day the father saw his son and very angry he said, “Son you’ve let me down, your mother down and worst of all you've let yourself down.”

Miscellaneous Jokes

There were three guys that won a contest. They would get to spend a year in a room with anything they chose. The first guy loves to have sex. So they put him in a room for a year with over 200 girls to have sex with for a year. The second guy loved to get drunk. So they put him in a room with every beer there ever was to drink for a year. The third guy loved to smoke. So they put him in a room with every kind of cigarette there was to smoke. Two hours later they hear the guy that loved to smoke banging on the door but they say fuck him, he's in there for a year.

A year later they let them out. They first guy came out and he could barely walk, after how many times he had sex. The second guy came out and couldn't walk because he was so drunk. The third guy came out crying. They asked him why he was banging on the door and why he was crying. He said, " I forgot my lighter!"

Miscellaneous Jokes

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist were standing around the university flagpole when an English professor wandered by. "What are you doing?" he asked. "We need to know the height of the flagpole," said one, "and we're discussing the formulas we might use to calculate it." "Watch!" said the English professor. He pulled the pole from its fitting, laid it on the grass, borrowed a tape measure and said, "Exactly 24 feet." Then he replaced the pole and walked away. "English professor!" sneer the mathematician, "We ask him for the height, and he gives us the length."

An American general

An American general was speaking, via an interpreter, to a battalion of Vietnamese troops. At one point, he told a rather long and somewhat convoluted joke. When it was the interpreter's turn to interpret, he spoke for about 4 seconds, and the audience burst into laughter, pleasing the general. A captain, along on the trip, turned to a Vietnamese officer and asked how the interpreter managed to convey the general's joke so quickly.
The Vietnamese officer replied, "The interpreter said 'The American general has just told a joke. Everyone please laugh.'"

Baby Jokes

A baby was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing like crazy. All doctors and nurses were examining the little thing, in front of the worried parents, but he kept on laughing, his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes. One at a time, a pediatrician unfolded the tiny fingers to check if the hand was all right, and... guess what he found? The birth control pill!

Miscellaneous Joke

The census taker knocked on Miss Gibson’s door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age. “But everybody tells their age to the census taker,” the man said. “Did Miss Mary Hill and Miss Patty Hill tell you their ages?”

“Certainly.” Well, I’m the same age as they are,” she snapped. “As old as the Hills,” the man wrote on his form.

Miscellaneous Joke

An elegantly dressed woman entered the business office and approached an executive.

"Sir," said the lady, "I am soliciting funds for the welfare and rehabilitation of wayward women. Would you care to donate?" "Sorry," replied the exec, "but I contribute directly."!

Miscellaneous Joke

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

Miscellaneous Joke

A man goes hunting with a bunch of his friends on His land!! They have been hunting a while and his best friend says"hey I can see in your bedroom with my scope". He says " who's that man in the bedroom with your wife? The husband says "what? r u joking? The friend replies,"no honestly. I can see them!! The husband says "Fine shoot her in the head and him in the private!! The friend replies"I CAN GET THAT IN ONE SHOT!!!!!!!!"

Miscellaneous Jokes

During a robbery, one of the robbers mask slid down.

He looked at a man and asked. Did you see my face?

The man said yes! The robber shot him.

Then he asked a woman. Did you see my face?

She said no, but my husband over there did.

Work Jokes

A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks. The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn't understand what they were doing.

Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again.

One of the city workers explained, "The third guy who plants the trees is off sick today."

Elderly Jokes

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.

When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"

Miscellaneous Jokes

A tourist stopped a local in a village he was visiting and asked; “what is the quickest way to the lake? The local thought for a while. “Are you walking or driving?” he asked the tourist. “I’m driving.” “That is the quickest way!” the local said.

Miscellaneous Jokes

While visiting a friend in the hospital a young man noticed several pretty nurses, each one of them was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. “What does the pin signify?” he asked one of them. “Oh! Nothing,” she said with a chuckle. “We just use it to keep the doctors away.”

Be careful what you wish for

A guy is depressed about having a really small penis, and he prays day and night for a bigger one...
So one night that a fairy appears and says : I will grant you one wish, what will it be ?

Then the guy says out of happyness: I want to have a penis to the ground.

Poeff.. suddenly he has really short legs :P

Old guy in a bus

There is a bus driving on a straight smooth road, but in that bus there is a 65 year old guy constantly wiggling from left to right with no reason.

After a while seeing that, an other old guy (roughly the same age) at the back walks towards the guy, and asks him why is doing that...

So the guy says: well I have been sailing the sea's for whole my life, and am now retired. But whenever i'm on land I feel the urge to compensate for the lack of the sea movement....

So the other guy says: that is the most stupid thing I ever heard in my life. I have been fucking whole my life, and I am not wiggling back and forth all the time now.

Miscellaneous Jokes

Mo attends to a revival and listens to the sermon. After a while, the pastor asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over. Mo gets in line and, when it’s his turn the pastor asks, “Mo, what do you want me to pray about?” Mo says, “Pastor, I need you to pray for my hearing.” So the pastor puts one finger in Mo’s ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays for a while. He removes his hands and says, “Mo how’s your hearing now?” Mo says, “I don’t know pastor, it’s not until next Monday.

Miscellaneous Jokes

A man receives a call from his Credit Card Company, “Sir, we have detected an unusual pattern of spending on your card, and we are calling to see if everything is alright.”

“Yes,” replied the man. “My card was stolen over a month ago.” “Why didn’t you report your card as stolen?” asked the card company representative. The man replied, “Well, whoever stole my card is spending a lot less than my wife!”

Family Jokes

"Whom would you like to invite for your upcoming wedding ceremony?" Father asked his son

"All except you and mom" the Son replied

"But why" Father angrily shouted

"Had you bothered to invite me for your ceremony!" the Son pleaded.

Miscellaneous Jokes

The undertaker called the next of kin to confirm the funeral arrangements desired for the dear departed. As luck would have it the son-in-law who was actually delighted to be red of the old battle-ax answered the phone.

“We’re sorry to disturb you in this time of personal grief,” the undertaker uttered solemnly, “but appears to be some confusion as to whether the body of the loved one is to be buried or cremated.”

“Let’s not take any chances,” “Do both” said the son-in-law.