A Scotsman is on holiday in New York City...

A Scotsman is on holiday in New York City.
It's a balmy spring day and he is wearing a kilt.

A young woman comes up to him and boldly asks him if anything is worn beneath the kilt.

"No lassie" he replies, "everything is in fine working order."

Male Jokes

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. “I got a cookbook once,” said one, “but I could never do anything with it.” “Too much fancy work in it, eh?” asked the other. “You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way – Take a clean dish.”

The Hippie and the Spice Rack

With a screech of brakes, an ambulance pulls up at the local casualty ward and a hippie is wheeled out on a gurney. The doctor questions his long-haired colleagues.
''So what was he doing then?'' asks the physician. ''Acid? Cannabis?''

''Sort of,'' replies one of the hippies, nervously thumbing his caftan. ''But we ran out of gear, so I skinned up a homemade spliff.''

''And what was in that?'' asks the doctor.

''Um, I kind of raided my girlfriend's spice rack.'' says the hippie. ''There was a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a little paprika.''

''Well, that explains it,'' the doctor replies, looking at them gravely. ''He is in a Korma.''

A police officer saw a car speeding...

A police officer saw a car speeding down the highway.
He started chasing after the speeder . When he got close he's saw it was a blonde woman who was actually knitting while driving.
The cop yelled, "Pull over!"
The blonde shouted back, "No! It's a sweater!"

Police Jokes

A policeman spots this Bloke walking up Royal Ave. pulling a 12 foot long rope and asks, “What do you think you are doing pulling this 12 long rope up Royal Ave.?”

The Bloke replied: “have you ever tried pushing it?”

A police officer saw a car speeding...

A police officer saw a car speeding down the highway.

He started chasing after the speeder . When he got close he's saw it was a blonde woman who was actually knitting while driving.

The cop yelled, "Pull over!"

The blonde shouted back, "No! It's a sweater!"

Idiots Jokes

Simple Joe who is mad for the horses thought he had a sure winner the other day at the track. The tote board listed his horse as starting at 25 to 1, and he knew the race didn’t start until 1:00 p.m.

Take Off My Clothes

My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.

Then she told me to take off her skirt.

Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore.

Bellboy

Once there was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell, face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The shocked priest gave him the job. But one Sunday, he ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed and fell off the tower and died.
"Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? Because I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."

Some Plants

"Some plants," said the teacher, "have the prefix 'dog'. For instance, there is the dogrose, the dogwood, the dogviolet. Now name another plant prefixed by 'dog'."

"I can," shouted a blonde. "Collieflower!"

That's Really Hot

Which is faster, hot or cold?

Hot -- because you can catch a cold!

Funny Apple

Q: What did the apple say to the orange?

A: I despise you for being different from me.

Idiots Jokes

The mailperson rings the doorbell and as says: I have a parcel here, but the name on its obliterated.

Smiths says: Can’t be for me, then. My name is Smiths.

Hot Revenge

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.

A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?''

The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''

Give or Take a Gazillion

The Secretary of Defense is briefing President Bush on Iraq. "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"Oh no!" exclaims the president, "That's terrible!"

His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.

Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"