Dating Tips

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."

Shut the fuck up

A guy who married this woman. Unfortunately, his dick was too small, so every time they had sex he used a pickle instead of his dick. For seven year's he has been doing that. One night his wife suspect that something is wrong so while they are having sex she quickly threw the cover and turned on the lights! So the woman said, "What the hell is that, are you using a pickle on me. I am shocked, and for seven years you have been doing that, you piece of shit." So the man said, "Shut the fuck up! It's been seven years and I never asked where the hell those kids came from!"

Olympic condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There is three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly. The wife responds really, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".

How To Impress The Opposite Sex

1. Compliment her, 2. cuddle her, 3. kiss her, 4. caress her, 5. love her, 6. stroke her, 7. tease her, 8. comfort her, 9. protect her, 10. hug her, 11. hold her, 12. spend money on her, 13. wine & dine her, 14. buy things for her, 15. listen to her, 16. care for her, 17. stand by her, 18. support her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: 1.Show up naked. a). Bring beer.

Old man joke

An old man sitting on a bench in the park crying. A younger man walked up to him and asked "What's wrong?" Old man "I am married to a sexy 21 yr woman who gives me two blowjobs a day and we have sex the minute I get home from work and right after dinner." Young man "What's so bad about that? It sounds to me like you have a great sex life." The old man replied "I can't remember where I live!"

Condom Packages

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
The man matter-of-factely replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package."
The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.”

Miscellaneous Joke

Two nurses are giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath. They notice that when they get near her private areas that she starts to get a little stimulated. The theorize that oral sex will bring her out the coma. They go out into the lobby and tell her husband their theory. The husband is a little aprehensive about it at first, but he agrees to do it. The nurses leave the man with his wife and give him some privacy. They come back about 10 minutes later and the woman is dead! "What happened?" asks one of the nurses. The man replies, "I dont know...I think she choked."

Miscellaneous Joke

Three girls are sitting on stools at a bar. The 3 of them are arguing on who is the slackest. The first one says: "My boyfriend can put his whole fist in my pussy!!!" The second one says: "Oh ya? Well my boyfriend can put his whole head in my pussy!" The two of them then look at the third one, waiting for her to reply. She then looks at them and says: "Oops! There goes the stool!!!"

Bed Time Stories

This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

Will you stay with me?

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."

So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to gook girls and boys."

She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

Four kinds of sex

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

The prize-winning essay

A university creative writing class was asked to write a
concise essay containing the following elements:

1. Religion
2. Royalty
3. Sex
4. Mystery

The prize-winning essay read:

'My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it!"

A Scotsman is on holiday in New York City...

A Scotsman is on holiday in New York City.
It's a balmy spring day and he is wearing a kilt.

A young woman comes up to him and boldly asks him if anything is worn beneath the kilt.

"No lassie" he replies, "everything is in fine working order."

Easter Bunny

Q: Why does the easter bunny hide his eggs?
A: He doesn't want anyone to know he's f**king chickens.

Never hire a man to do a woman's job .......

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her. I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another, for 13 shots. Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman....... She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.

The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.

The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud.

The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"

Walks Into a Bar... Sexy Lincoln

An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

Be careful what you wish for

A guy is depressed about having a really small penis, and he prays day and night for a bigger one...
So one night that a fairy appears and says : I will grant you one wish, what will it be ?

Then the guy says out of happyness: I want to have a penis to the ground.

Poeff.. suddenly he has really short legs :P

Toilet paper

A couple is lying in bed, and then all of a sudden the guy grabs a piece of toilet paper, and starts rubbing it between her wives breasts....
Then after a while the wife asks angry what he is doing...

Well the guys says: well I hope that your breast get bigger by doing that...

The wife says angry: do you really think they will get bigger by doing that !!

Well the guy says: well it worked for your ass..

Condoms

A father and his son are walking in the grocery store, and they are passing the condom rack.. The kid stops and looks...
then he says.. Dad, why are there so many different packages of condoms.. ?

The father says: well my son, everybody has their own needs, so also different packages...

ah.. the kid says..
So why is there a 4 pack ?
Dad says: well that is for the students.. Every week they party, so one for each week in the month...

ah.. the kid says..
So why is there a 7 pack ?
Dad says: well that is for the loved ones.. 1 for each day.

ah.. the kid says again.
So why is there a 12 pack then ?
Dad sighs deeply and says.. Well son that is for the married people like me, one for each month !!